The Musings of A Girl In A Dysfunctional Society
by DrinkingAlcoholicRainbows
Summary: "Rach, say, how do you get a baby to wear a diaper without it falling off?" "Percy, not again!" :: Percy is gay; Rachel can win Minute To Win It if the challenge is naming ten instances where Percy was oblivious to flirting; Percy is gay; Rachel can do that double with an extra two; Percy is gay; but Rachel is stuck dealing with diapers; Percy is gay; and that's their entire life.


**A/N**: This is the fic version of the roleplaying inside joke me and Chenoamisae (who is now, apparently, Koko'Abey) play. This was the first one. It stemmed from us imagining how Percy would be like, raising a kid, and me saying how the kid's name would be Stacy, in reference to Fountain of Wayne's Stacy's Mom. Then came the opening lines: "Rach, say, how do you get a baby to wear a diaper without it falling off?" "Percy, not again!" The dialogue was made months ago. I just added the narration. I hope you like it, Samantha. It's my longest fic yet.

Rachel's dialogue in this fic belongs to Koko'Abey, Percy's dialogue belongs to me along with the fic, the idea for this fic belongs to us, the song Stacy's Mom belongs to Fountain of Wayne, characters belong to Rick Riordan, Stacy belongs to us, and so do the Kik names MeterStick! Beyonce and Suddenly! A Gay Percy.

Warning: This is slightly cracky, and not Percabeth. Slight hints on Perachel, but who wouldn't fantasize about Percy? Slash, too. Not majorly mentally scarring, but slightly. I think. Well, enjoy. Just know that it's 3 AM here, so...

* * *

Rachel groaned, not even bothering to knock to open the door. She pushed it wide open and was greeted with the sight of Percy failing to put a diaper on baby Stacy. It was so typical and normal for her to come in unannounced for these kinds of situations that her nose has developed to ignore the smell. She kind of pities herself for it.

Percy grinned at her, abashedly, looking like he never aged a day outside eighteen years old even when he's twenty-six, and once upon a time it might have reduced her to her knees at the pretty picture, but not now and not again. Definitely not again.

If he stripped in front of her, though, that'd be a different story. She'd probably collapse halfway, and if Percy was still naked when she awoke, she'd push him to a lavish sofa and paint him in the classic French girl pose while trying to control the blood gushing out of her nose.

But since now is not one of those times, and there was a crying baby that needed her attention, that fantasy would have to stay put.

"Rach, say, how do you get a baby to wear a diaper without it falling off?" he asked, inclining his head to Stacy, and looking like he just accidentally killed a monster that was meant to be someone else's target.

Again.

"Percy," Rachel scolded him, putting her hair behind her ear with one hand and punching him lightly when she walked by him with her other, "Not again! Damn it, can you remember anything?"

He pouted, which was still adorable on him, even in his age. "I'm new at this baby thing, okay?"

It took all her willpower not to melt, because Rachel was not immune to Percy's big, pleading, sea-green eyes, and damn it, Stacy was looking at her with them too. "I don't care! I can't come every day to help you!" Shrill tones broke what was supposed to be a tirade, and Rachel resisted impaling everyone in the room, cute as they are or not. "Oh, and way to go, with your yelling, Stacy's crying again!"

"I—" Percy said, eyebrows furrowed, but he noticed his now clean daughter crying, and he placed Stacy gently by his chest. "Go to sleep, little ball of Hades. Go to sleep nooooow," he crooned, not bothering with a lullaby.

Rachel suspected his singing voice didn't get any better with age, like wine did. In fact, it probably got worse. She cringed, despite the heartwarming scene enveloping in front of her. The last time Percy tried to sing, he could have broke the glass mini-building Leo had been trying to make, three doors down where the self-proclaimed firebender was. If Leo didn't think he was cool, or might have had a slight crush on him when they met, he would've strangled Percy for the many, many cracks in said glass mini-building.

"'Little ball of Hades?'" she whispered, when Stacy was asleep in the bedroom. Rachel and Percy were currently sitting in opposite chairs in the living room, one floor below. "What'd you do; fuck Nico and magically make a baby?" And you couldn't blame her for thinking that, nuh-uh; the image was hot and she was sure as an oath to the River Styx not to let it go.

Percy choked, turning a slight green; a shade which was not as pretty as his eyes were. "What?! No!" he shrieked, and the shriek was at a very high pitch, even for him. "Rachel, I was–I swear I didn't sleep with him! That–That's so..." His voice trailed off, eye twitching, and Rachel deducted he didn't share the same sentiments of the scene being scorchingly sexy.

She shrugged. His loss, then.

"Oh sure, alright," she said, raising her eyebrows so Percy was sure that she was not going to forget this moment, and suddenly gasped at the thought of the_ other_ child of the Underworld she knew.

Her words were lightning fast, and just as unexpected. "You had an affair with Hazel, didn't you?"

"No..." He said, letting his eyes narrow in defiance to his O-shaped mouth. (And Rachel was not thinking of his lips, nope, nuh-uh, what'chu talkin' about, Willis?) "Gods, that's even worse! I didn't fuck anyone!"

And with those spoken words, everything didn't make sense.

"Then how the Hades—" Rachel spluttered, almost knocking down the vase next to her with her rapid arm movements. "Who's the other parent?" she demanded, because the possibilities of a bottom Percy was even better than a top one, and she wanted details. Moreover, this was going to be great blackmail, since apparently, pictures of a drunk Percy partying it up at Camp Jupiter just wasn't "acceptable" and was "demeaning to the target involved."

According to Jason, at least. But Rachel will be damned if she doesn't find a way to do it anyway.

Percy turned red, and Rachel's first thought was: _"It looks so much better on him than the green a few minutes ago."_ "I...um..." He stuttered, like it was a complete sentence and it was socially acceptable to say in front of people when reciting a speech, and he said it so quietly that she just ignored it.

"And you'd rather fuck Nico instead of Hazel?" she prompted, eyes going wide like Hermes was told that the child from a few months ago was, actually, Apollo's. "You're gay?"

The person in front of her bit his lip, and she bit hers to keep from laughing. He whimpered. Her dam broke. When she finally stopped laughing, in between small chuckles, she said, "Eh, I'm not surprised," and she meant it.

"...Yeah." Percy was still biting his lip, looking anywhere but at her since her giggle fit, and Rachel stopped, turned to look at him; an eyebrow raised in curiosity. "Um, about that..."

"Aha! You_ are_!" Rachel shouted in glee, standing up and pointing at him dramatically. "Is that why you were so hesitant about going out with me? It wasn't Annabeth after all? And seriously, how could you not know the other parent..." She went on to talk about about other matters; such as if he bottomed, how it felt like, if he screamed, who he fucked, or who was he fucked by, and if, _ohoho_, any kinky things were involved.

"Okay!" Percy screamed, five minutes and fifty-two seconds later, when Rachel asked if he ever wore leather or spandex, and he was lucky the walls were thick, because if Stacy had to be woken up, it was going to be to her horrified father's scream as Auntie Rachel had her hands around a knife, ready to strike. "So maybe I was the one being fucked! Happy now?!"

Rachel grinned like a shark sensing blood, just about to ask if Percy thought him fucking Nico was wrong because it actually Nico fucking him, but held her sharp-as-Riptide tongue and mockingly purred, "No," with her index finger under her chin and a coy look at his way.

"But..." Percy had this look on his face that reminded her of a baby seal; innocent, confused, and adorable. Rachel would've hugged him if she wasn't busy being an honorary Slytherin. "You asked."

Rachel looked at him with far too innocent eyes, and swooned back to her chair. "Yes, but...I mean, you..." Here, she smirked, putting the Dare in Rachel Elizabeth Dare with a seal and a lock and the money to pay for high-security, and she worked it for a few seconds - just enough to see Percy gulp, and boy, was it worth it - before letting it drop and putting the innocence back on with extra sparkle. "You're a guy! How–how does that—No! I don't need details." She finished her act with an utterly perturbed look, before laughing and sitting up straight.

Percy laughed for a bit, and the sound was music to her ears; with the lyres and the pianos and the crackle of roasting barbecue at camp. She looked at him, seriously this time, and wondered, "...It was Ares wasn't it? Or Hermes?" Her eyes widened, and she screamed, "Gods, not Apollo, please!"

"It just happened!" Percy protested, but Rachel could see the twitch in his lips; he was trying not to smile. This was the kind of conversation they hadn't had since they were seventeen and the only thing they had after the war was each other. Rachel looked at the stairs leading to the room where Stacy was snoring upstairs, and found herself missing those times when they fooled around and pretended they were normal. "And, when I found out..." Percy was looking at the stairs too, and he holding his right hand over the left. "I couldn't just take her away and destroy a life. You know how I feel about those kinds of things." He looked back at her, eyes softened, shook his head, and he grinned. "And it wasn't a god either. Gods..."

Rachel nodded sympathetically, almost not catching the last part. "Yeah, I understand, Perce." She nodded a few more times, thinking about pudding and if Percy could make her some, then she realized exactly what Percy had said. And choked. "Gods?" she asked, "Like, gods,_ plural_?!"

"Glad you could—" he started to say, and stopped. He stared at Rachel, who stared back at him with the horror on one of Medusa's statues. "No!" He shouted, standing up, turning into an even brighter shade of red than he did when Rachel caught him in only a slipping towel. "I did not, you crazy woman, _not_ get it on with a god, and definitely not get it on with a bunch of gods. It's a figure of speech! You know, like 'Oh gods,' and all that," He finished, still staring at Rachel with surprise, and the same kind of horror she had felt at first.

"Thank...Thank goodness!" she breathed out, throwing her hands up in the air and slumping in her seat for a few seconds, before abruptly jumping up with the same kind of electricity that probably frizzed her hair. "Then who? I know you know! Do I know this person?"

"Yeah, I'm thanking the gods too." Percy sighed, and sat back down, messing up his hair at the back. He suddenly grinned, a spark of excitement in his eye, and almost sang, "And yeah! You do! But I'm not telling~!"

Rachel thought it was cute, but holding back information is something you do not do with a girl, the oracle, or Rachel Elizabeth Dare. And Rachel is all three. She glared at him fiercely, and hissed out, "Percy, I swear, if I have to, I will force it out of you!"

He laughed even more, and sang, "Nyah, I don't care~!"

"Please," she scoffed, crossing her arms, and huffing."Don't make me beat up a girl."

"Hey! I take a large amount of offence to that!" He said, wiggling his finger ridiculously along with his eyebrows, showing that he really did not take much offense to it.

She sang, "I don't care~!" In a mockery of his singing earlier, and she sure as Hades did it much better.

"Sheesh," he said, and they fell back to their chairs, laughing without a care in the world. "Women sometimes..." Percy wiped a tear from his face. He held up his hands in the air when he saw Rachel glaring at him. "I'm joking, just joking!"

With a stomp, she stood up and hurried up the stairs; exactly thirty-nine steps, like a bored Jason told her once, looking at his coffee like it held all the secrets in the world. First room was a bathroom, like an excited Percy told her when he was showing off his new house. The one across it was going to be Stacy's room when she got older, and the one next to it had a white, ornate door with a golden, glistening doorknob. That was the one she opened. Rachel grinned, and went in for the kill.

* * *

"Tell me already!" she shouted when she finally got back down. Percy's eyes widened, and he might have been choking. "I'm already holding Stacy, I could leave, right now..." Rachel threatened, holding a Stacy that was wearing pink earmuffs. By some miracle, she was still sleeping; probably a deep sleeper like her mother. Her mother that was staring at her sprint across the room and hold the doorknob threateningly.

Inside, Rachel was already practicing her evil laugh.

"I still hold a grud—" He started to say, but he stopped when Rachel opened the door and stepped outside. And stepped one more step. And one stepped one more step, and Rachel is already holding the doorknob again so she can close the door, and if she closes the door that means Stacy would be gone, and maybe Rachel too. Percy held up a hand, stood up, and said, "Wait! Don't leave! Please!"

Rachel stopped near the door, which was halfway closed. She opened it a quarter inch, and loudly proclaimed, just like she'd practiced upstairs: "I don't like blackmail—" which was a total lie, "—but this is necessary; tell me or you'll never see her again. Ever," which was an even bigger lie. She'd be back in ten minutes to hand a stinky Stacy back in Mommy Percy's waiting arms; she just knew it.

Percy groaned. "Just give her to me and we'll talk."

Rachel grinned. "Now, now. Don't rage quit yet. And no. Tell me first, then you get her back." She rocked Stacy in her arms, and even gave a small cackle, and decided that the look on Percy's face was going to be painted tomorrow. She might just ship it to his house when it's done.

He glared at her, and after a few seconds, he relented. Percy nodded back at her, and Rachel made sure to do whatever she did, backwards. When she was inside, Percy (who was back in his seat, groaning about why he even still had her as a friend for some reason) raised an eyebrow at her. She winked at him, pulled out a stroller that was conveniently by the door, put Stacy in it, and pushed her back to her mom.

When she sat back down, she raised an eyebrow at him, and Percy sighed.

"Well..." Percy started, rolling his eyes a bit. "He was blonde, and a guy, and—"

"Yes, yes," Rachel pouted at him, "We've already established that you're gay, or bi, whatever. I need a name!"

Percy blinked at her for a second, looked both ways, rolled his eyes again, closed them, and he breathed deep."...It was Jason but don't tell because people still think we have that sexual tension thing going on and don't tell; that is a secret! A very _secret_ secret!" At the end of it, he was crossing his fingers. All of them.

And he said it all so fast. But the world started to right itself again, so maybe it was okay that she didn't understand so much of it.

"All I heard was 'blah, blah, Jason, blah, blah, blah,'" Rachel drawled, slumping, looking like she might need a drink or two dozen. She crossed her arms above her chest. "Okay, fine. Secret. At least that explains the blonde. I was starting to suspect it was Octavian,"she jokingly said, trying to keep a straight face. Surely there was no way Percy would let that guy touch him.

"Well...Umm..." Percy was blushing.

Oh Hades no.

"You and Octavian did not fuck!" she exclaimed disbelievingly, letting her jaw drop. She was never going to believe the amount of people who fell for her friend. Maybe it was the eyes. Or the body. Rachel looked at him for a second, really looked at him, and concluded:

They really just fell for Percy.

"He was surprisingly gentle," he whispered, and Rachel's eye twitched. He continued, voice stronger with each word: "But we were drunk, I swear. And high on victory," he added, as an afterthought.

Rachel blinked repeatedly, trying to get the twitch to go away and not make it obvious that she wasn't exactly happy with Percy's taste that day; drunk or not. "First of all, I so did not need to know that." She really didn't. "Second, I sure hope you were drunk to sleep with him! And wait...High on...Victory? After the Giant War? But I thought you were still with Annabeth then!"

She did think he was, at the time, though maybe he wasn't anymore. _"Who knows, really?"_ she thought. _"Percy and Annabeth have a complicated relationship, and as much as they loved being in the other's presence, they just wanted to settle down and realized they couldn't do that with each other. Now Annabeth is at Camp Half-Blood with Clarisse, and Percy is here with Jason, Stacy, and me."_ And she stops there, shaking her head, not wanting to think about that.

Percy pouted, and Rachel was glad she still had enough sense in her mind to think how adorable that was. Not that she would ever say it out loud, but still. "Okay, I was drunk. Octavian wasn't."

"That doesn't change anything," she said, rolling her eyes. She made a mental note to stop, or else her eyes will get hurt, and she looks dorky in glasses.

"It does! I just...haven't figured that out yet," he ended lamely.

"Seriously? You haven't figured out what it means when everyone—at least those that aren't under any oath not to —flirts with you? Absolutely no idea?" Rachel looked at Percy, gaped, actually, because every single person who has seen him has looked at him appreciatively; from monsters thinking about lunch, campers thinking about how awesome he is, and everyone else thinking about his ass and how great it would look in skintight leather.

"I—Hey, everybody does not flirt with me!" He denied. Though Percy just might have realized the truth halfway through his mouth, and shortly, he asked, "...do they?"

Rachel face-palmed. Her friend was so stupid. When she took her hands away from her face, she shouted at him, "Yes! Don't people often place a hand on you, rub your shoulders, have some sort of physical contact with you?"

She even found it stupid that he had to think about it. If Rachel was on Minute To Win It, and the last challenge was to give ten times people checked out Percy Jackson without him knowing it, she would've given Guy Fieri double that with an extra two. "The Stolls have been trying to lay their hands on my ass..." he finally said, and it even sounded like a question.

She could've punched him, but she was way too used to this kind of behavior. She deserves a medal.

"Exactly!" Rachel even resisted the urge to clap sarcastically, even though the temptation was tempting. Who cares about a medal? She deserves a statue and her face on the Empire State Building. Then she remembered that sitcom show Percy had made her watch three weeks ago, and she cursed. "Dang it. If they were twins you would be a god to Barney Stinson."

Percy frowned at her. "They could be, you know."

"They are not!" She kind of feels offended for them; the person they have interest in doesn't even know if they're twins or not. "They act like it but trust me, they aren't."

"And isn't that guy a son of Aphrodite?" Percy asked, referring to Barney.

Rachel thought about for a moment, and after a few seconds, she said, "Probably. I wouldn't be surprised." The both of them shrug.

"Oh, and I've known the Stolls longer!" Percy replied, coming back a little too late.

"Whatever, that's not the point here. Anyone else trying to get touchy-feely with you?" She asked, even though she knew the answer knew the answer to_ that_ question.

Percy cringed, and looked down. "...Everybody?"

"And you seriously couldn't figure_ that_ out?" Rachel exclaimed, and she face-palmed again. This time, it leaves a red mark on her head. "You're as hopeless with detecting when someone likes you as you are with changing a baby's diaper."

"Whatever. I'm going upstairs and having a nap," Percy yawned, stretching his arms, and standing up. Rachel totally ignored how his shirt rode up, showing a bit of tanned skin.

"Ugh. Fine. Good night." Rachel groaned, and doing the same. She blinked sleepily at her friend of eleven years, and gave him a droopy soldier's salute. Percy grinned at her, all white teeth and bright sea-green eyes, and hugged her. And she might have hugged him back, and Rachel thinks she can get used to this.


End file.
